We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer you're looking for is supposed to be 'Jesus' ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
- Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place."
- You park in handicapped spaces based on your SAT score.
- You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.
- Your taxidermist also does your taxes.
- You love lard sandwiches.
- You've ever let your dog babysit your kids.
- Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
- Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
- You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at your bug zapper.
- Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.
- The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.
- There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in your yard.
- Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.
- You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.
- Your favorite recipe includes Vienna sausages.
- You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.
- You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
- You've used a barstool as a walker.
- You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.
- You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him fresh water.
- You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep your hats.
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd
get." --Rodney Dangerfield
- Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
- ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.
- Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.
- Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.
- We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.
- I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
- In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
- Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
...You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl.
...You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.
...You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home.
...You have visitation rights to a dog.
...You continue to show your cleavage years after anyone wants to see it.
...You can't remember where your lawn mower is.
...You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.
...You've ever picked birdshot out of your fried chicken.
...You've ever told a bill collector you were dead.
...You named each of your children after the car they were conceived in.
...Your voice changed while you were in the second grade.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your darn cat!"
"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield
Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....
QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS
Antibody: against everyone
Artery: the study of fine paintings
Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
Benign: what you have after eight
Cardiology: advance study of poker playing
Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
Chronic: neck of a crow
Coma: Punctuation mark
Cyst: short of Sister
Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
Dislocation: in this place
Duodenum: couple in jeans
Enema: not a friend
False Labor: pretending to work
Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
Hernia: she is close by
Hymen: greeting to several males
Labor Pain: hut at work
Lactose: person without digits on
Liposuction: a French Kiss
Lymph : walk unsteadily
Menopause: I no wait
Microbes: small dressing gowns
Obesity: city of Obe
Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein: a favour of teens
Pus: small cat
Red Blood Count: Dracula
Secretion: hiding anything
Serum: Sailors drink
Subcutaneous: not cute enough
Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
Tablet: small table
"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood." --Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".
"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!" --Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy."
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me : What comes first , Day or Night ?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How ???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know, who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
- "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)
- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)
- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)
- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)
- Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)
- "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)
- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)
- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)
- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
- "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)
- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)
- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)
- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)
- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)
- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)
- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)
- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely
round." (Tony Crozier)
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
"Suddenly I hear a shrill, loud noise. It scared me half to death," Henry says. "And then I realize the 'bat phone' is ringing! Now I'm in a panic because it must be a matter of national security."
Henry lifted the receiver of the ominous phone. Was it the President on the other end?
"It was a telemarketer," said Henry.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."
"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.
The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. Yur nay English!
2. Yur nay English!
3. Yur nay English!
4. Yur nay English!
5. Yur nay English!
6. Yur nay English!
7. Yur nay English!
8. Yur nay English!
9. Yur nay English!
10. Yur nay English!
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future." --Richard Jeni
Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
"This is Marcia's mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I'd be happy to talk to you. My number is..."
Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "pear"." --Jay Leno
"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage." --Glen Super
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
Name something a blind person might use: a sword
Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin
Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar
Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse
Name something that floats in the bath: water
Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair
Name something red: my cardigan
Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal: mail
Name a number you have to memorize: 7
Name something you do before going to bed: sleep
Name something you put on walls: roofs
Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes
Name something you might be allergic to: skiing
Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet
Name a continent: Italy
Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog
Name something slippery: a con man
Name a kind of ache: a pancake
Name a food that can be brown or white: potato
Name a potato topping: jam
Name a famous Scotsman: Jock
Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it: window
Name a non-living object with legs: plant
Name a domestic animal: leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee
Name a way of cooking fish: cod
Name something you clean: your sister
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three step-children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?
Worried About My Reputation
I Hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and
asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it.!!!
This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid and cheap now.....
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Greek polu-, from polus, much, many
Tick: Any of numerous small bloodsucking parasitic arachnids of the family Ixodidae, many of which transmit febrile diseases, such as Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease.
Make your own conclusions.
According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin.
Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme:
"Under My Gums"
"Dye It Black"
"Let's Take a Nap Together"
"You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription"
"I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance"
"Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?"
"Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!"
"Sleep Fighting Man"
"Help Me Up"
"It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug"
"Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"
"My boyfriend won't see anything he terms a 'chick flick'. That's any film where a woman talks." --Maura Kennedy
"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least, that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary." --Drake Sather
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!" --Unknown
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."