Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of
them.
Did you hear one about the Psychiatric Chiropractor?
He specializes in attitude adjustments!
According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic.
If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
"Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Jones: "The Chinese make it an inviolable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day."
Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas
the week before!"
The president and his veep were talking when he said, "I hate all the dumb president jokes people tell about me."
The veep, feeling sorry for his boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
To patronize the president, he took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the veep.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the veep looked at the president. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the president. "There was a pay phone
just around the corner. You could have called instead."
A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D.. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
I love it when a plan comes together......
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
to talk business."
Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.
Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.
Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.
Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.
Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.
Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.
Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why!
A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the bonnet beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away.
Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer.
"I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary."
The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't
know anything about cars!"
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!"
"Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"
Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.
So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.
"But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise.
"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!"
2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70.
3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet.
4. Trip and fall into him.
5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
7. Try to sell him your car.
8. Ask if you can buy his car.
9. Tell him you like men in uniform.
10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.
My uncle's favourite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was,but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, with bells ringing. Well, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Prize", but also the
"Pullet Surprise!"
A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.
Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.
Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"
One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.
"So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"
"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's
first husband!"
Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it onthe weighing scales. It weighs six pounds.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you haveone that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show eight pounds
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them,
please!"
An error has occurred - could be anything really.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
Error: An unspecified error has occurred. Please correct the error to continue.
Having been erased, the document you were working on must now be retyped.
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong .
The website you are looking for cannot be located, but doubtless others exist.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Out of memory - it happens to us all eventually.
Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to make this error.
Your computer has performed an illegal operation. The police have been informed.
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have you a pen handy?
Windows has detected that there is no keyboard present. Hit F1 to continue.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working Windows is like that.
Windows loaded - System in danger.
Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Fatal system error: Press F13 to continue...
Windows has just crashed. You are looking at the blue screen of Death. No one
hears your screams.
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "You can
take her with you!"
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem,
touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically
on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'
Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'
'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely
marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider
repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him." He then turned to
Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the armer and asks him, "Ah, excuse me Mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?"
asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people
who are out standing in their field!"
Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.
Igor: But what's it for?
Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
25. Child Proof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.
Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?
Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Joe: No!
Mike: Neither will Bob.
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.
Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?"
The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've
come to meet my maker."
"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno
"And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno
"Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno
"But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman
"The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'" --Conan O'Brien
"With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno
"But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman
"Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert
"The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno
"By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can't go wrong with
a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness." --David Letterman
Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd asked the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first one replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three
more times tonight too."
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll
be two bloods and a blood light?"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay
me in advance."
Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over
me ... 30 minutes ago!"
Carpe Diem -- Seize the Day
Carpet Diem -- Seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- Seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- Fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- Seize the rice cake
Carpal Diem -- Seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em -- Seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- Seize the fish
Carp Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- sieze the wrinkled dog
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000. for not raising 100 hogs?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that also.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese??
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
"The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"Well, Mister, I told her!"
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau
was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of
me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented
to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty
grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's
okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when
the cops pull you over anyway."
1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.
2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.
7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.
9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.
10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes,
we would have them farther up on our body.
A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.
One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent
florist friars.
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!"
He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter,"
he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile,
and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down
the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of
the afternoon off.
Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The
rest of your life."
As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected to office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a "fair shake."
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are "too busy for overtime" to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as "the government." We will not participate in this "pooling" experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The "government" will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging it's workers to continue to work hard "for the good of all."
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's "good to spread the wealth." Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more "patriotic."
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free foodstamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage.
If you appeal directly to our demoncratic congress, you might even get a free flatscreen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to
think about your vote on November 4th.
Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches:
- Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.
- Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.
- Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front
where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.