www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes

Untitled Document Quotes Of The Moment...

"The beatings will continue, until morale improves"
"They drank the cool-aid, from a fire-hose"
"Reality was an illusion... caused by a deficiency in alcohol"
"Life was meant to be easy, but free will creates complicated issues".
"Technology alone doesn't sell. We learned that lesson with WAP (Wireless Application Protocol) and GPRS (General Packet Radio Service). What the mobile industry needs to continue growing are compelling, easy-to-use and attractively priced services." -- Thomas Geitner, Vodaphone board member

Untitled Document An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky...

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you DO something?" she demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not operations."

Untitled Document

Kids will teach you...

* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Untitled Document After my wife and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, I asked her where one of my shirts was.

"Oh," said she, "So now you're speaking to me."

Somewhat confused, I asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged.

"Oh," said I, "I just thought we were getting along."

Untitled Document A married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest,"I had an affair with a woman........almost......"

The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

Now say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

Untitled Document Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ..I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Untitled Document Questions to ponder...

If my skin is constantly shedding, why won't my various scars and moles fall off?

If blinking only takes a fraction of a second, how are the majority of people able to capture someone doing it at least twice on a 24 picture roll of film?

How are children able to distinguish and disdain the taste of liver and spinach, but have no problem consuming soap, crayons, paste and playdough?

How come I don't feel the hundreds of red ants crawling on my feet until they are all assembled and give the "all bite" signal?

If spiderwebs are made by spiders, what makes cobwebs -- cobs?

Why are men put in charge of ships in an ocean, satellites in outerspace, and tanks in the desert, but they can't seem to find the ketchup bottle in the refrigerator?

Untitled Document A new miracle doctor just got in to town...

He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do.

Everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," says the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he's got the doctor stumped now, he waits as the doctor scratches his head, mumbles to himself a little, and tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Thompson fled the room!

Untitled Document A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed to his surprise that the table had been set with forks...

He asked the waiter, "Why don't you all use chopsticks?"

The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"Ah, very true," the waiter shot back, "but who will clean up all the mess?"

Untitled Document A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Tommy, I know you love Ole Blue, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Patsy was here!"

Untitled Document Bernie and Louise had been married for 35 years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, "Bernie, is it true that the last two and half years of your marriage, you did not speak to Louise?"

With a nod, Bernie replies, "Yes, Your Honor, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Bernie replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her your honor."

Untitled Document Jerry and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Jerry, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Jerry replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

Untitled Document During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer.

"Look, Father, I'll give you $500 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister five crisp $100 bills and walked away satisfied.

The day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the priest and hissed, "What the heck happened to our deal?"

The priest slipped the five $100 bills into his hand and whispered back, "I got a better offer!"

Untitled Document A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"Oh, 'bout One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale.

It turns out that his weight is 187.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, 'bout six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches.

She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"

Untitled Document You know you're getting older when...

~ You need your glasses... to find your teeth!

~ You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

~ Your little black book contains only names ending in "M.D."

~ You wake up feeling like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

~ You look forward to a nice quiet evening.

~ Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

~ The 'gleam in your eyes' is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

~ You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

~ All your children look middle aged.

~ A dripping faucet causes that uncontrollable bladder urge.

~ Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

~ You get winded playing chess.

~ Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

Untitled Document A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique..." began the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist,hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my younger sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry!"

Untitled Document College is a fountain of knowledge...
and students are there to drink.

Untitled Document Father O'Malley was saying his good byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Karen Mahoney came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, Karen, my dear?" inquired the good Father.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news" replied Karen.

"Well what is it, Karen?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Karen" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he had one Father," replied Karen.

"Sure, and what did he ask, Karen?"

Karen replied, "He said, 'Please! Karen, put down the gun...'.."

Untitled Document Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at most bowling alleys.

Yes, I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy wondog, get won flea..."

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Toilet", "Kaopectate", and "Peptobismol" in nine languages.

If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, then... I am perfect.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the stupid idiot's.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, you might as well keep the first.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting underwear & socks for Christmas!

Untitled Document Factoids...

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Sure I earn a seven-figure salary... Sadly, there's a decimal point involved.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

We gave our son a hint... On his room door we put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Untitled Document A Diet may be in order when...

You can sell shade.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

You are diagnosed with a rare flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 34 more years to live.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

You discover you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You dance and it makes the band skip.

Your driver's license says, "Photo continued on other side."

Untitled Document Two lawyers met at the local bar...

"How's business?" asked the first.

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for 15 miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper
Untitled Document Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.

When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a sure fire plan to assure themselves some privacy...

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "ACME Insurance - Ask About Our Guaranteed Term-life package!"

Untitled Document The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the bull in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill three barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this three times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the bull on the altar?"

A little boy in the back of the room started waving his hand, "I know, I know!" he said. "To make the gravy!"

Untitled Document Work can be a zoo...

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Johnson is on another line."

"This is Harrington's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"Actually he's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

Untitled Document It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I work.

My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home.

"It's for my cousin," she apologized, "she's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."

I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door.

A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?"

Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.

"Mama!" she shrieked, "Come quick! It's the stork!"

Untitled Document Bernie stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," Bernie said to his wife, Louise, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," Louise nodded, "and it got your weight wrong, too."

Untitled Document A man with a nagging sense of guilt couldn't take it any longer...

In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage in the mountains."

"Hmnn... This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Untitled Document Supervisor: "For a guy with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high rate..."

Job Applicant: "Yeah, well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

Untitled Document Billy Bob: My wife, she drives like lightning.

Bobby Joe: She drives fast, huh?

Billy Bob: Nope... she hits trees!

Untitled Document A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his Daddy was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Horace to a duel. And, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems right fair ta me."

"Yep... but I sure never figgered he'd pick his big sister!"

Untitled Document Last week My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits... and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

My sweetie was not impressed... She glanced round at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "Umm hmmm... and you're the only one who has to."

Untitled Document "Incompetence... When you earnestly believe you can make up for
a lack of skill by doubling your effort, there is no end to
what you can't do."

Untitled Document I've been holding off getting a medical check-up. Who wants to pay a doctor $150 just to have him tell you you've got to quit doing everything you like?

So anyway, I'm lying on the examination table, and the doc's got a stethoscope on my chest. He's moving it around, telling me to breathe in and out. He's got a strange, sort of puzzled look on his face.

I says, "OK, Doc, how do I stand?"

He shook his head and said, "That's what I'm trying to figure out!"

Untitled Document Kid's Notes to God

Recently a nun asked her class to write notes to God.
Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God: In school they told us what You do... But Who does it when You're on vacation?

Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother... but what I asked for was a puppy.

Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: You don't have to worry about me - I always look both ways.

Untitled Document Prison or Work?

In Prison... you spend your time in an 8X10 cell.
At Work... you spend your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

In Prison... you get three meals a day.
At Work... you only get a break for one meal that you pay for.

In Prison... you get time off for good behaviour
At Work... you get more work for good behaviour

In Prison... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

In Prison... you get to watch TV and play games.
At Work... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison... you get your own toilet.
At Work... you have to share with some idiot who goes on the seat.

In Prison... they allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work... you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

In Prison... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
At Work... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison... you spend time inside bars wanting to get out.
At Work... you spend time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison... you must deal with sadistic wardens...
At Work... they are called supervisors!

Untitled Document "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

~ Max Frisch

A pessimist is an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.

If I don't have any money to pay her, will my psychic know it?

~ Lawrence Brotherton

"We musta had the wrong ticket. The man at the door got mad and tore it in half."

~ Phil Istine

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, when will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I don't know, son. Nobody has lived that long yet."

Untitled Document I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look...

"I don't know about you, buddy," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put mine in park."

Untitled Document It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Bart, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Untitled Document In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track.

Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did just great under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the dang lantern was lit!"

Untitled Document Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.

After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked,

"Have you ever been imprisoned?"

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down,

"I didn't realize this was still a requirement."

Untitled Document If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
~ Darrin Weinberg

If money won't make you happy,
you won't like poverty either.

"Happiness can't buy money."
~ Bob Hope

Men are like bank accounts...
Without a lot of money,
they don't generate much interest.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

~ George Bernard Shaw

Untitled Document Oh, let him be...

It was after 2 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home.

The last guest was sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant owner.

"I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?"

"Nothing doing," answered the owner cheerfully. "Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it in cash!"

Untitled Document Timing is everything...

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the thritieth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited patiently...

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. As you may imagine, I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Untitled Document I was browsing in a souvenir shop when Jerry, the man next to me, struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife, Louise, was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Yes," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

Untitled Document Marie, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the scrumptious vegetable lasagna recipe."

Untitled Document Advice from the Good Book

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Gates."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed the ever-present Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Untitled Document My wife and I had bought some gadgets for our teenage grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries.

I stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.

I waited for a little while then, pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time.

To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."