Quips from Late Night

"Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe." --Jay Leno

"How many folks saw Paris Hilton last night on the 'Larry King Live' program? ... The interview went pretty well. Larry only flatlined once. ... I think Larry's getting old. He kept calling her Charo. ... Paris said she hated prison. There's some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I've actually seen video of her doing that" --David Letterman

"President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed to pass.'" --Jay Leno

"The other day at the Mexican/U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck, crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'No, that was wrong. We don't call them engines anymore. They're now Native Americans.'" --Jay Leno

"Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon. $4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the dairy industry" --Jay Leno

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno