Quips From Late Night

The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall." --Amy Poehler

"You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. ... Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job." --Conan O'Brien

"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno

"Today the House Ethics Committee ... released its report on Mark Foley. ... Well, they found willful ignorance, but no rules were broken. They said the whole thing was proper according to the law. Okay, Cardinal Bernard law. .. Hitting on kids is not a crime? Who was chairing this commission, Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on the 'Today Show' Wednesday, Al Gore said the war in Iraq is the worst strategic mistake in the entire history of the United States. Disagreeing with that statement? Slaves." --Amy Poehler

"A new study has found that one in seven Mexican workers are employed in the United States. Apparently the other six just live here." --Conan O'Brien