Recent Quips From Late Night

"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming

"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher

"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart

"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC."

"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman