Quips from Late Night

"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

"The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno